Season Series: Things I tell my heart to calm down

                                                                              Turbi e orbi

                                                                    Waiting at the threshold 

It doesn’t get easier; the feeling is similar if not the same. A bit of anxiety, fear, doubt and uncertainty, and a lot of google search, looking for that next step. I have been down this road before. Where one chapter of your life ends, and the other is still unknown. 

The last two years have been filled with- anxiety, joy, sickness, celebration, adventure and monotonous. 

The anxiety of the pandemic, where it literally felt like one was living in the zombie apocalypse. Huge deserted roads and months of lockdown, flocking anxiously to the supermarket once a week to stock on groceries, cans of imperishable food items and first aid kits. The anxiety of living in a room, having lectures and classes, and even socials, ONLINE! How did we even survive? Sometimes it baffles me that we made it out alive. We are the few who made it. We were the Covid batch, the generation where everything went online, and words such as lockdown, and quarantine became common terms in our daily vocabulary. 

And then, there was the joy, in the midst of the craziness. The joy of making lifelong friends in your student halls. The joys of having long walks and trekking in the woods. The joys of discovering the fun in the midst of a curfew and movie nights, game nights within a small confine of friends in your hall. 

Then came the sickness, where we actually caught Covid, and with it, a delay of literally everything in life. Academics, housing, jobs, life! 

Yet somehow in the chaos, there was an adventure. With the vaccine, came lesser restrictions for the vaccinated people, and that opened up doors to visit one of the most beautiful capitals in the world, Berlin. But, let’s not forget the monotony of –writing papers- working part-time- deadlines- research work and socials- after a while this becomes a monotonous circle, until its suddenly time to leave, again. 

It doesn’t get easier, but it doesn’t get harder. Because with each season, there is a reminder to hark the past and remember that God was, is and always will be with us. At the dawn of a new season, and at the closing of one. 

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans, I have for you, says the LORD. They are plans for good, and not for disaster, to give you a future, and hope.

My two cents on Praise and Lament

Every time I open social media platforms, they tend to be filled with people showcasing their success, achievements, praise and thankfulness. It’s a world that’s filled with being grateful, and yet rings of boasting. Of boasting or perhaps trying to prove (perhaps to themselves) that yes, they have worth, and they need approval, likes and comments. Validation and affirmation through the collection of hearts. Its’ both inspiring and overwhelming at times, a scrolling of sugar overdose. 

And so, one thing I lack to witness online is people sharing their not-so-successful feats. Their trails or dejections, I seldom come across such posts. Social media at times appear to be a curated filtered arena of a feel-good bed of roses, a candy-coloured plastic world devoid of the complete human emotions of both good and bad because it appears to record, update, and post only the good vibes, and completely evasive of the other side. You know, the part where tears, grief, mourning, sadness, depression, and dejection comprise off.  And this is where the Psalmist affirms that it is ok to post, publicly about the not –so good parts of our life. 

In fact, the Psalms (and Lamentations) are filled with tales, narrations and rantings of the dark periods of life. When we think of Psalms, we tend to think of only Praise; however, the Psalmist is far from being only happy. The Psalmist also goes through his dark periods and openly recites, sings it out, and yes, it is recorded for all eternity to be read by all.

Example: Psalm 42 and 43 mentions three times,

“Why am I discouraged” (42:5) 

“Why am I discouraged?” (V 11)

“Why am I discouraged?” (43:5)

And it goes on, but in these passages, the Psalmist records his discouragement, his discontentment, and sadness, to the point of feeling abandoned in Psalm 22,

“Why have you forsaken me?”

A feeling of utter dejection and feeling so distant and discouraged, which is repeated in Matthew 26:46

“Eli, Eli, lema sabachthani” by Christ himself.

Through these biblical narrations, the Psalmist (and Christ) eventually find hope and restoration (redemption), however, their success and Praises are not devoid of the harsh and dark realities of life. And they recorded it, perhaps knowing too well, that in the near future, their readers will also face similar trials, and find comfort in knowing that they are not alone.

The reason I decided to write this is not particularly because I am going through a super dark season of my life; but because my IG post seems to be ONLY filled with sugar-coated Praises (from my fellow believers) and I wanted to add, that in our Praises, may there also be space to affirm that there is sadness and grieving in life, and it is ok to showcase that part as well.

To ask ourselves, why am I so discouraged, why so sad why so downcast, to even utter, My God, why have you forsaken me? It is ok to question, deconstruct and not be Praising all the time.

Good vibes are good, but it is not normal to be happy all the time, and I think that’s ok. 

It is ok, to not be ok all the time .

Painting by Thomas Blackshear "Dance of the Wind and Storm." 

Seasons

There are seasons in our lives. Just like the seasons that come and go. Some are refreshing, some are tolerable, like the beginning of summer, and some appear to be good at first, like spring, but with it comes the endless pollen and allergies and daily dose of anti-histamines; and so, ends with a lot of challenges, mentally, emotionally and physically. It seizes us, cripples our progress, and hinders our path, ambitions, goals and work.

A year ago, last summer to be exact, my scholarship ended, I caught covid, my thesis was incomplete, and my student housing contract was about to end, and so was my visa. 

It was a season of uncertainties. Financially, academically, and socially. I was so stressed and frantically looking for a new place, emailing the universities for funding, and looking for a job at the university, that I had no time to study, let alone think about my thesis for almost three months. And yet, like every season, this season of uncertainty eventually came to an end. I got another place to live, I got a job, and my studies and visa got extended, I even signed up for a new course on campus, and by fall, everything had fallen into place again. 

The year before that, the pandemic year (2020) personally for me was a year of abundance and miracles. I witnessed a season of new opportunities, financial stability and overflow, new experiences, and a new country. However, this season of abundance did not last for long. 

And soon after that, a season of uncertainty, (2021). But that also did not last for long, and like every good thing that comes to an end, the bad also does. 

This summer, (2022), I am about to face another season of uncertainty, but now with my thesis over, and only one more academic course to complete enough savings, and even though my job and the future academic prospect is yet again, uncertain, this time, I am not frantic, nor fearful. Somehow, facing the unknown is not so fearful or stressful. Perhaps because I look back and remind myself that the abundance, the lack, the failures, and the success do not last forever, and maybe that's a good thing. 

" He has shown you O mortal what is good..." Micah 6:8.